Week 292: Paying the Bill  


Punishments for the president:

1. Fake a Russian nuclear attack. As the missiles are supposedly screaming toward Washington, and Clinton calls Yeltsin on the hot line, reroute the call to a Yeltsin impersonator, who keeps losing his train of thought and moaning.

2. Clinton must mentor Gennifer, Monica and Paula in group tutoring sessions until they each score at least 1470 on the SAT. 

3. When Clinton leaves office, he is permitted to write an autobiography, negotiate a book contract and keep the profits. But the book's title must be "Compared to Me, Warren Harding Was Abe Lincoln."

4. For the remainder of his term, Clinton must wear one of those fancy electronic monitoring bracelets, but not on his wrist or ankle.

This Week's Contest was proposed by Niels Hoven of Silver Spring, who wins a bottle of doe urine. Since lawmakers are discussing coupling censure of the president with a penalty, Niels suggests that you help them out by proposing appropriate punishments, like those above. First-prize winner gets a rather astonishingly tacky beaded and mirrored elephant purchased at the rather astonishingly tacky South of the Border, and donated to the Style Invitational by Greg Arnold of Herndon, who wins a pair of deer-gutting gloves.

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 292, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 26. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Vacation No One Needs was written by Richard Leiby of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from week 289, in which you were invited to submit entries to any previous contest, ideas you may have thought of after the contest deadline had passed.

Second Runner-Up: Invent a new element -- Trippium, a heavy meddle.

(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

First Runner-Up: People Unclear on the Concept:

(Michael A. Genz, La Plata)

And the winner of the 40-year-old gilded commemorative plate featuring likenesses of America's First Family:

Come up with a name for the 1990s: The First Kenneth Starr Decade.

(Joseph Romm, Washington)

Honorable Mentions:

Make David Twenhafel laugh:

What is both seven feet and a meter, simultaneously? Iambic heptameter!

(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Hints from Heloise:

Dear Heloise: We keep our old, inoperable refrigerator in the basement and use it as a penalty box when the kids misbehave.

(Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Why things were worse in my day:

In my day, we didn't have no hot and cold running water. We had one spigot, and it was labeled "tepid." (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Good idea, bad idea:

Good idea: A cheap motel. Bad idea: A cheap mohel. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Pretentious expressions:

I avoid sale items like the plague. They've been pawed over by God knows what.

(Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Yogi-isms:

His problem is he is consistent only some of the time. (Michael A. Genz, La Plata)

With all this pollution, this planet ain't long for this world. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

Bad name for a children's book:

He's No Longer a Stranger Once You Ask His Name! (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts:

Once, I watched an ant carry a crumb from one side of the street to the other. It was so vulnerable, so totally unaware of its surroundings. Then a mail truck broadsided me and I was in traction for three months.

I'm suing. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Disprove a slogan:

Slogan: A good cigar is a smoke. Disproved: Monica Lewinsky. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Silver linings:

Blindness: You can get two glass eyes, which makes all the glass-eye pranks twice as funny. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

Change one letter, and redefine:

Congenial liar -- n., The president of the United States. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Inkubus -- n., The muse of erotic literature.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Hermouth -- n., An aperitif and an aphrodisiac. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Kakaesque -- adj., Like the Style Invitational.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Ideas that never made it off the drawing board:

Yum! Kippur -- A holiday all-you-can-eat special at Denny's. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Bad ideas for toys:

Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego's Cigar? (T. J. Murphy, Arlington)

Wouldn't it be great if:

... breasts were in the back? I would sure enjoy dancing more. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

Separated at birth:

Hank Hill and Trent Lott.

(Greg Arnold, Herndon)

Phrases to instantly clear a room:

Did you know that a crowded elevator smells different to a dwarf? (Kitty Klaus, Sterling)

Go ahead -- ask me how many Beanie Babies I own. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

High school football teams:

The Rutland (Vt.) Satyrs. (Don Cook, Locust Grove)

Elegant insults:

What is amazing about Hugh Downs is he doesn't at all resemble his twin sister, Eleanor Roosevelt. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Bad new name for a car:

The Rage Rover. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Next Week: The World Theories